Apr 8, 2009

April Fools - Dogs on Ice Racing

British greyhound racing has been combined with the Dancing on Ice TV show to create the new sport of "Dogs on Ice". Animal rights activists are up in arms as they should be as the hapless pooches tend to slide around a bit crashing into the guard rails.
According to the Dogs on Ice sponsors, however, this is being corrected by fitting the greyhounds with special traction shoes. The first Dogs on Ice event will be at Wembley Arena with the usual betting spreads applying.

Of course, it will be hard to know which greyhounds take to this format at first so the betting lines could be a bit skewed. The 36 dogs in contention will be whittled down to six with the rest competing in the even newer event being called "Dogs over Hot Coals".

Of course, stay tuned also for the new British reality TV show, "Rodeo on Ice" airing later this year.

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April Fools - Teachers Head Explodes Because of Wifi

A 42-year-old sociology teacher named Geoffrey Crumb had his head explode in class one day apparently from Wifi signals that were given out by his pupils texting. According to one of the students the explosion was like "a dog in a microwave".

Mr. Crumb was apparently the victim of new age cyber bullying. According to The Register, "Having been repeatedly subjected to ritual 'double-blind' tests by a 'gang' of physics and technology teachers in the staff room, who would laugh at him and snap towels when he failed to state correctly whether or not a given piece of equipment was switched on or off, Crumb was thought to have been easy prey when unscrupulous media technofear hypesters came knocking."

More dreaded than the movie Scanners, yet short of a Columbine style massacre, the Wifi head explosion suggests an unnatural empowerment of students over faculty. With the combined force of cell phones and texting no one is now safe. Teachers will now be eyeballing their students more closely.

Opposing sports teams will have to look over their shoulders at the crowd and wonder if they are next. Squirrels will flee in terror at the sight of groups of texting students roaming around campus. Oh, the humanity!

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April Fools - Hyper Games Formed for Steroid-Taking Athletes

According to the esteemed magazine, Scientific American there is a new Olympic-type sports venue forming called the Hyper Games that encourages steroid-taking athletes to compete against one another. The steroid use actually evens the playing field as it is known the everyone on the field is using performance enhancing substances.
According to SA, "The Hyper Games are for any spectator who has looked at sprinters and wondered whether they could go faster if their leg muscles contained cheetah DNA. Or speculated about how many tons a determined weight lifter could vertically press before his spine snapped. Or thought that Barry Bonds might show some potential as a hitter if he would just put on some muscle."

Born without lower legs and only have springy skis for feet? No problem as the Hyper Games won't outlaw you as a genetic mutant. Instead, they will reward you with gold metals and cheers from adoring fans.

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Jan 13, 2009

Funny and Jokes - Thinnest books around

Thinnest Books

1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

2. The Amish Phone Directory

3. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

5. French Hospitality

6. Everything Women Know About Men

7. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

15. Human Rights Advances In China

16. To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

17. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

19. How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

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Funny and Jokes - Make life simpler tips

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Funny and Jokes - True Internet addiction

You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

15. Your pet has its own home page.

16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

37. You forget what year it is.

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".

42. You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.

43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

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Jan 11, 2009

Funny And Jokes :Getting revenge with marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

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Funny And Jokes :What is the most damaging food?

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

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Funny And Jokes :A staged wedding to bust dealers

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

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Funny And Jokes :May I borrow your dog for a few days?

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

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